injured story

Once upon a time two Fancy Brutes were under a bridge on opposing sides of a very small river, torturing birds and small animals with different noise frequencies for self gratifying amusement.  Suddenly, one Fancy Brute, it matters not which, noticed the other Fancy Brute, stopped his sadistic fun having and shouted "HEY! THAT MINE, YOU DUMB THINKING!" In an instant both Fancy Brutes were wading across the river toward each other, falling over, getting lost, screaming, crying, and peeing a little.

45 minutes later, the two finally met, and locked in an awesomely pathetic "Battle Royale". There was hair pulling, finger biting, more screaming, charlie horses, some more crying, a few schnippei's, and probably a little more peeing. Little did the Fancy Brutes realize, this was no ordinary bridge that they were having their little tizzy beneath. This bridge had been originally constructed in Finland 3,000 years prior. Sometime around 1750, the bridge was disassembled, stone by stone, and delivered by a team of blind, three legged turtles to the present location. Well, it doesn't take a Rhodes Scholar to know that under every Finish bridge, lives and evil, odorous, often very clumsy, alcoholic troll.

The ruckus created by the two Fancy Brutes awakened the Troll from his alcohol induced coma. As the Troll watched the Brutes through his liquor blistered eyeballs, he thought to himself, "These are the two fucking idiots that were torturing the birds and small animals, which took me forever to finally be able to sleep through, now they have a new annoying obnoxious habit. Great." The Troll had had enough. He decided, against all better judgement, sense, and logic, to try to explain his point of view to the Fancy Brutes, and to reason with them, in hopes to get back to sleep. After several minutes of trying to get the attention of the Fancy Brutes, one of them finally noticed, stopped the madness, pointed at the troll, and shouted "HEY! SHE DO THING!" The Troll took the momentary pause and said "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU IDIOTS??" The Fancy Brutes began in on chorus of shouts of unintelligible gibberish, each trying harder and harder to be louder than the other.

Around this time is when the Troll had a bit of an epiphany. "These two may be idiots, complete bumbling fucking boobs, utter half-wits, but I understand them if only a little bit, for I, too, have enjoyed the splendors of torturing small animals with various noise frequencies. Maybe, just maybe...." Then the Troll started trying to calm the Fancy Brutes. He tried shouting. He tried showing them pictures of pretty lights. He waved plates of warm dog food under their noses. He threw coins past their faces. The Fancy Brutes just kept shouting and screaming. Finally, out of sheer frustration, the Troll did a move straight out of a badass Chuck Norris film, punching both Fancy Brutes directly in the genitalia, and the screaming and shouting calmed to a low murmuring whimper. "Guys, i realize that you have your differences, but at the same time we all have one thing in common, bird and small animal torture. If we combined forces, we could cover a much larger range of frequencies, and torture many many more birds and small animals, and perhaps some mid-size and even larger animals. Think of the possibilities!" The Fancy Brutes just looked at him, very confused.

The Troll tried explaining again more slowly, using one syllable words whenever possible. Still blank looks of confusion, and attention was waning. The Troll drew pictures, simple pictures that young children with very very low IQ's could easily understand. Still blank stares, waning attention, and now a bit of drool forming on both mouths. The Troll was beyond frustrated. He let out an extremely low pitch guttural growl that echoed through the land. All at once several birds and small animals fell on the ground writhing in pain from the heavy vibrations. Two tiny rusty switches flipped simultaneously inside the Fancy Brutes small heads, they understood! "THEM MAKE FUNNY", exclaimed one fancy brute. "HEY SHE DONE GOT GOOD" the other Fancy Brute shouted exuberantly, while pointing at the Troll. With that both Fancy Brutes chimed in with their own noises at their own frequencies and the three merrily tortured many birds, small and midsize animals. Even a few larger animals noticed some mild annoyance from the sounds. This carried on for many months.

One day, while making their sadistic fun, the three heard a loud "BANG", which momentarily silenced the annoying frequencies while they looked upstream. There in the distance was a grotesquely strange looking man, splashing around in the water and on the shore line, trying to catch small animals, amphibians and/or fish. The three ran to the strange man to see what he was doing. Instantly the Troll could see what was going on, the Fancy Brutes, well, not so much. The freakishly grotesque man was trying to tape small explosives to small animals, fish, and amphibians. The Troll was impressed by the strangely freakish mans ingenuity, and watched, smiling with a sick fascination. The Fancy Brutes were both still in the dark as to what exactly was happening, but when the oddly freakish, strange man lit the fuse on one of the small explosives, one of the brutes began to drool again, while the other shouted "HEY ME PRETTY FLOWER" and ran to grab the sparks coming off the fuse.

Before the Fancy Brutes big clumsy fingers could reach the sparks, the explosive detonated, the frog that the explosive was taped to winced in pain, and the Fancy Brute pooped a little hard turd into his pants, and began to cry and wail at the shock of the very small insignificant noise from the small explosive. At the sound of the Fancy Brutes wailing, the other Fancy Brute came out of his drool trance and began making a noise at a different frequency, extremely annoyingly loud, the Troll began his low frequency howl, and the extremely strange and freakish man, although annoyed at the gruesome threesome, continued his small explosive torturing of fish, amphibians and small animals.

A strange rythm began to develop between the four. The two Fancy Brutes high and annoying screeching whines, the Trolls low end bellowing, and the very freakish strange mans intermittent cracks and bangs, somehow strangely falling together almost musically. This incessant racket went merrily on for some time. One day during a slight pause, the Troll said to the freakishly grotesque and odd man "I'm so glad we found you. Finally i have someone to communicate with. It can take me hours and hours to convey even the simplest of thoughts two these two idiots". The strangley odd mand replied "I don't really give a shit how you feel about it, I think you're all idiots. I just stick around here because there are many slow moving small animals, fish and amphibians in the particular spot. Honestly i wish the three of you would move along somewhere very far away." The Troll replied, "Well that's very nice of you to say, and i totally agree, but somehow, i feel like something is missing."

At the moment the words left the Trolls mouth, a giant silver ass appeared in the sky, two large shiny metal butt-cheeks. The cheeks started to tremble and rattle and slowly opened up exposing a filthy hole in the center. As the freakishly odd and grotesque man and the Troll watched the giant metal ass, and the two Fancy Brutes played with their toes, a slimy green mist began to come out of the filthy hole. As the slimy mist continued, a noise, similar to a giant jar of marmalade being opened was heard, and a giant mucous covered talking walking Turd flopped from the giant dirty hole onto the bank of the river. As the mucous covered Turd painfully stood up and tried to dust himself off, he looked at the strangely odd and grotesque Man, the Troll, and the two Fancy Brutes and said "Hi fellas, isn't it a nice day?"

The smell coming off the mucous covered turd was instantly overwhelming, causing the Fancy Brutes to start in with their screeching and screaming, which brought the troll to make his deep painful bellow, and the oddly freakish and grotesque man said to himself "Very good, one more fucking idiot", and returned to his explosive tricks. The mucous covered Turd didn't really understand what was going on, but not wanting to be left out, he joined in with his own horrible sounding baritone turdmouth noises. As time went by, the small animals, fish, and amphibians began to get wise to the freakishly grotesque mans tricks, and from time to time the grotesquely odd man would move along to new places, followed by the other four.

Eventually, for obvious reasons this strange mix of personalities, frequencies and dirty tricks became known to the creatures that they had tortured and annoyed as INJURED LIST. To this very day, INJURED LIST continues their practices of annoyance, bad behaviour, discomforting smells,and tasteless jokes. If your lucky, and you have the good fortune to be in the wrong place at the worst possible moment, you could also be annoyed and mildly offended by INJURED LIST.